Conflict Competence- What's in a Name?

Conflict is a problem that every leader and HR executive will be required to confront at some point in their journey, probably multiple times, if not regularly. Any organisation that prides itself on diversity has by definition collected together a group of people who see, perceive and process the world in different ways. Add to that individual neuroses (we all have them), varying degrees of IQ and EQ and the invisible stresses that people are facing in their personal lives, and you have a heady cocktail for people clashing with people.  Conflict is a given. And if you’re one of the many leaders who wince at the thought of having to face it, fear not, a 2013 Stanford University study revealed that lack of skills in handling conflict was the number one ranked concern for CEOs. You are definitely not alone.

So how can we cope better with conflict in the office? What skills and competencies do we need to develop? And how do we turn this every day tricky reality to our advantage?  Well for me, it all comes down to how we perceive the problem and what kind of organisation we want to be. Let me explain.

I’ve always been a great believer in the idea that a problem named is a problem solved. But there is the rub, and that is that quite often, the thing that seems to be the problem, isn’t the problem at all. So we name the wrong thing, attack it with clever solutions and expect it to go away. The art in problem solving then becomes the ability to weed out the symptom from the deeper cause, but in our modern fast-paced world, we want action and resolution. Let’s face it, looking deeply into the system and making changes at that level- that demands time, skill, courage and collaboration- and even if you can tee-up all those must-haves, it’s still very hard because what we’re talking about is the grey zone of complexity and uncertainty. Most of us prefer the heart tablets rather than the change of lifestyle, not because we’re lazy or irresponsible, but because we’re living crazy pressured lives, and because two steps backwards to move forward quite often doesn’t seem viable. That is until the heart attack of course.

And never was that truer than in the case of handling conflict in organisations.

For many, conflict will always represent the battle between right and wrong; good vs evil. Humans love this binary way of operating as it helps us feel safe, ordered and in control. Under this scenario the named problem is most probably going to be a name. Jo in accounts, Jo and his bad attitude. Sue in HR, Sue and her incompetence. The Operations Team just aren’t pulling their weight. But in reality life is grey, people are grey and conflict is grey. Seeking to define the problem in such simplistic terms attached to one or a few people may be convenient, but rarely is it the whole story. People can be both troublesome and brilliant, smart and stupid, compassionate and aggressive; humans are deeply complex and paradoxical and because of that it is always worth seeking to understand first before drawing stern conclusions and moving to swift solutions. As a coach I have had countless conversations with clients who have all had issues with other people, and the interesting thing is that nine times out of ten their opinions have sounded entirely valid and rational, then I have met with their nemesis and guess what? Equally valid, equally rational. This is one of the reasons I suppose that conflict resolution is so daunting for many, because trying to discern one single truth in order to make a judgement call is no different from being an interrogator on the police frontline, or a judge in the high courts. No wonder most leaders want to avoid it.

It is also a treacherous approach to try and simplify conflict in this way by pinpointing one single evil and seeking to eliminate it or force it to behave differently. The employment courts are full of disgruntled employees who claim they were bullied, put under undue stress or treated unfairly, and more often than not, the courts will lean in their favour while the business is left picking up the pieces of their reputation, culture and stalling projects.

What is helpful I believe, is to allow for the possibility that multiple realities and divergent experiences of one single event can coexist in the same moment because reality is always mediated through the lens of our own unique experiences, culture and values. By taking this more expanded view-point, a leader can allow for both sides of the conflict to be valid and true, and for the possibility that the challenge is arising not through intent, malice or incompetence, but through a fundamental disconnection which is asking to be understood. What is fine to one person may be abhorrent to another; an innocent flirtation to one is another’s fuel for the ‘Me Too Campaign’. What makes it so, will depend entirely on the invisible lens through which each person is experiencing the world.

Competency in handling conflict then, becomes as much about holding an optimistic view of human nature as anything else, that and having the courage to confront the challenge head on and invite the hard and compassionate conversations that will allow for all values-based misalignments to surface and new understanding to emerge. If we are able to ascribe to the view that most people are doing the best with what they have at all times, and that most employees are striving for fulfillment in their work over financial gains (which is what the research confirms), when conflict arises we are likely to ask a different set of questions than if we believe otherwise. Under this scenario we are creating a culture of trust, in which psychological safety is a given and in which every employee will know their whole-selves are welcome at the office; a place where the leadership is interested in understanding and respecting each human, rather than judging in haste, or hiding out of fear.

Under this scenario a case of conflict is received by the inspirational leader as a timely feedback message from the system, calling us to look into the system and find the glitch - to be celebrated and engaged with as our next opportunity towards greater connection, creativity and high performance. And it is through this process, the journey with conflict, not against it, that we will almost certainly discover better ways of co-working in the face of our differences, and a clear path for the innovation and genius born of this wonderful diversity, to flow once again.